Well it’s unfortunate but I still miss her a little bit. I know I shouldnt but it’s tough not to. I’m talking to a bunch of other girls but none seem to compare. I know I’m over her, that’s a fact, but it doesn’t mean I don’t miss her. I miss the good times we had. We used to sit around and cuddle all the time. Go out to eat even though we couldn’t afford it. Do the most random shit together. I wish it didn’t have to end up how it did. I wish we could have kept a close relationship because I do still care about the girl. I know the girl I used to love is still in there somewhere, she’s just lost right now. The worst part is, I’m not gonna be the one to help her get back to herself. I’m making myself promise not to let her back into my life, even when she comes crawling back. If that ever happens. But for right now, everyday gets a little easier. I don’t think about her quite as much now that I know what kind of person she has become. Every once in awhile she seems to slip into my head and you know what, that’s ok. I guess I don’t want to completely forget about her. She was my first love and that’s not meant to last. At least that’s what everyone tells me. That also makes it a little easier to stop thinking about her. I smashed one of the Christmas presents she made me. I just figured what it said on it wasn’t true anyway so why keep it? Anyway I feel it getting easier and easier to move on. Hopefully I don’t hit a road block and take a bunch of steps back.
I don’t really know what’s going on in my life right now. I’m pretty lonely. I can’t say that I’m not enjoying this semester off but I also can’t say that it’s all it’s cracked up to be. I sit around most of the day. And it may not be surprising, but I still think about her. I hate it. I don’t want anything to do with her and who she has become. She is such a changed person. She’s not the same girl I fell in love with over three years ago. And that should make this easier but it doesn’t. I still think about the great times we’ve had together and hope they aren’t all lies. I don’t even know why I write on this stupid thing. It just makes me think about her all the time. And why do I still dream about her!? I hate it. I just want to forget all about her and everything she ever did to me. Because of her, I’m gonna have a hard time trusting anyone who gets close to me. Fuck relationships, fuck liars, fuck cheaters, and fuck all the nonsense. Why do people have to be so selfish?
I told the guy about us hooking up. The most amazing part is that when I spoke to her on the phone she tried to deny the whole thing. To me even! It’s amazing how much someone can lie and let me tell you, she has mastered the art of lying. I have no respect left for this girl. Yes I will always love her. Or at least love who she used to be. She used to be a thoughtful, honest, caring person. Now she has become a selfish liar. And I am happy I’m not with her anymore. I don’t deserve it. Whether or not the guy believes me is up to him. I don’t give two shits if he does or not. It’s a little hard to face the fact that I don’t think I will ever talk to her again. But it’s what I need. I needed closure and this was finally it. One thing I’ve learned this summer is that just because you would give your life up for someone, doesn’t mean they would do the same for you. People have their own agendas and when it comes down to it they will just do whatever is best for themselves. Good, honest people are hard to find in this world. So when you do find them, hold on tight, don’t lie, don’t cheat, and make sure they know how important they are to you. Because everything comes to an end eventually. No matter how great you think it is.
Every slow song I listen to immediately makes me think of her. I still love her and it hurts so bad that she isn’t mine. I just wish I could hold her in my arms one last time.
Wellllllll something interesting happened. I hung out with some of her friends that live in the same hall as her. Literally like two doors away. And I’m not gonna lie, I had fun. Even though they were freshmen, they knew how to have fun. It’s funny to because one of them actually texted her and told her. I know she had to be a little pissed, but I’m ok with it. I did think about her a lot throughout the night though. A lot of places at ASU remind me of her. And yes, not surprising, I still miss her.
I’m gonna be honest… I miss her. Its tough not talking to her again. I’m thinking I might tell they guy about us hooking up. No one deserves to get cheated on. I guess I’ve got some more thinking to do before I actually tell him.
It’s been decided. We are no longer gonna talk to each other, at all. I already miss her smile. It sucks that I still dream about her almost every night. I wonder if she is thinking about me. This is probably for the best. Seeing her and texting her so much was really making it hard for me to face reality. Sometimes I wonder if we can ever be together again, but it looks like that is never gonna happen. The thing is, I’m not sure if I still love her. I mean, I’ll always love her, but I don’t think I’m in love with her anymore. I finally got angry about the whole situation. It made me realize I don’t deserve to be treated the way she treated/treats me. I deserve someone who is gonna be completely devoted to me and be faithful. Sometimes I wonder if I should tell the guy about us hooking up. No one deserves to be cheated on and never know about it. No one deserves to feel the way I felt all summer. As much as I hate the guy, he deserves to know. I’m gonna miss her a lot but there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m glad we decided to stop this nonsense. I couldn’t keep doing that to myself. I’m sick of crying over the same old shit. It’s time for me to move on and get the hell out of this town. It’s easier said than done but I need to try and make it happen.
