I still get sick to my stomach when I think of them together. I think of all the quirks we had and sometimes I wonder if she ever thinks of them or me. It hurts to think that all the things she did for me, she is probably doing for him. It sucks losing someone you’re in love with. Everything changes. You no longer have that person to call when something good or bad happens. You no longer have that person to hold every night. You no longer feel like that person would do anything for you. It’s all tough and it is the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my life. Will I ever find someone else? Will I love them the same way? Will I trust them after what has happened to me? I guess time will tell.
I was really close to texting her today to see if she really wanted to catch up. I know she is probably going on a trip to some foreign country soon. Part of me wants to see her yet part of me knows that’s a bad idea. It would probably make me crazy. The best thing to do is to just let it go. She did what she did and she has to deal with it. I believe she lost someone great and she will probably never be able to get me back. The only problem is that I still think about her every damn day. Like clockwork. Especially last night I had a dream about her. I can’t remember the last time I had a dream about her. Hopefully they stop again.
Well summer has come and I know she’ll be home. It’s been a year since everything has happened. Am I ready to forgive her? No. Am I ready to talk to her again and see how she is? Maybe. Do I still miss her? Yes. I’ve matured a lot this year. I realize that people make mistakes and deserve forgiveness but I don’t know if I can forgive her. She was so heartless throughout the whole thing. I can’t imagine treating someone I used to love with all my heart, the way she treated me. I would never do that to someone. Part of me regrets not catching up with her the other day when she texted me. I do want to know how she is. I do want to know if she misses me. I do want to know if all the bad rumors are true. And I do want to hug her and see her again. But I don’t want put myself in that position. I don’t want to fall back to square one. I don’t want to see her and have all my feelings for her come back. I’m doing so well right now. Will I always love her? Yes. Do I love her now? No.
I’ve got some big decisions coming up. I’m a bit nervous. These decisions are gonna play a big role in my life… I hope everything works out and I hope I make the right choices. I could be taking a big leap and be doing things I’ve never done.
She had the nerve to call me today… She wanted to “catch up”…. Hahahahaa that ain’t happening. I think the reason she called me is because everyone she hangs out with will be going home and she needs someone to be with over summer. Well guess what?? That isn’t gonna be me
I was really close to texting her tonight. I saw a picture of her with him and I’m gonna be honest, it made me jealous. That was me. I was the one she was with. I was the one she loved. I was the one she kissed. I was the one her family loved. Well I need to remind myself that she cheated on me. She broke my trust and I deserve better than that. But if thats what I tell myself, why do I still miss her? Why do I wish that we were still together? Why do I still think about her everyday? Why did she do this to me? Maybe I’ll never talk to her again but I can’t help but still love her. Yet I hate her for all of this.
Well, I have an appointment to schedule my classes at ASU next semester. I am very excited, but also nervous… I hope I can be successful. I hope I can get back into school and focus. I am probably going to have to stop smoking. Although, I don’t know if I want to. I like smoking. It is a nice way to just relax and not worry about anything. Plus, I don’t have anything else to do right now. Another thing about smoking, it really hides my emotions. I just bury them deep inside and its kinda nice. I don’t think about her near as much but every once in awhile she sneaks in again. Mostly around holidays. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I tried to contact her. What would she say? Would she act like nothing has happened? Would she just ignore me completely? I don’t think I will ever try and talk to her again but its interesting to wonder. Anyway, the other girl I was talking to didn’t really work out. We don’t really have a lot in common and she was looking for someone to be fully devoted to her. Not exactly what I am looking for right now. I’m just looking for someone to hangout and have fun with. Is that too much to ask?
It’s 230 on a Thursday night.. Sometimes I wonder if we were still together if I would be at her dorm right now. Not gonna lie I miss it
